"A Pack of Loners, Alone"

    Every drink is the first drink, and no drink is the last drink. This is alcoholism. This is "all bets are off." That first drink seems to flip a switch in my brain, the "more" switch, the no turning back switch, the river of no return switch.

    Speaking personally, the only way I have ever stopped drinking, through multiple, multiple relapses, was through eventual alcoholic poisoning and hospitalizations from near fatal overdose.

    Some people "make a decision" to stop drinking. Not me. The best I can do is to "make a decision" to not start again after I have been forced to stop through my inevitable hospitalization. I have finally realized that I have a disability: I can't drink and that's about as brilliant as I can get.

   Here's the really fucked up part: When I'm sober, I sometimes have a hard time understanding other peoples' relapses. Quite simply, that is why I need my AA meetings. I need near daily reminders of other peoples' weaknesses and consequently, my own. The consequence of my not participating in my own recovery by going to meetings is always the same (and worse): relapse.

from All Drinking Aside (Rough Draft, Day 62)