Conveyor Belt

    My blackouts were stored in the freezer in a bottle of Absolut, freeze-dried in a tablet of Valium. Denial City. An Ice Palace.

    Time was money on a conveyor belt of alcohol.

    What drug shall I do tonight?

    Wash down the pills with a drink. Wash down the drink with another drink.

    Wash down. White out. Blackout. Drown out. Shout out. Die out. Cry out.

    Today, I can remember the pain of addiction, from addiction. I, today, cannot feel the absence of pain that would come (I know the absence of pain did arrive, would arrive).

    Today, the absence of alcohol is better than the absence of pain.

from All Drinking Aside (Rough Draft, Day 39)