How high was I, really?

(Surimi):　
Good doubt. Bad doubt. Without a doubt, doubt plays heavily in Jim's life, the life of all alcoholics perhaps, perhaps all people, Sotto, Vatchi.
   There are, I am sure, unintended meanings in much of what he says, just as there were unintended consequences to his "alcoholic lifestyle".

    He has the nerve to ask, "How high was I really?"
    Intentionally ambiguous or not, I wish that I could squelch that doubt for him.
     Forever powerless. Of that, there can be no doubt. None whatsoever.
     Permanently powerless, the high, in any meaningful sense, can only be an illusion.

    A diseased high. A poisoned high. Daily surrender to my alcoholism always meaning another drink.


from All Drinking Aside (Rough Draft, Chapter 63)