Needing Nothing

This is very interesting. The very process of writing this piece has increased my self-discovery. In my notes, typed in without asterisks, italics or exclamation points, I found this simple entry, a note to myself: “Alcohol replaced self-discovery.” Like that was an insignificant afterthought, interesting, but of no real importance.

And yet there it was, brushed over, cast aside, almost ignored.

Let me just add here, and Chapter 20 is as good a place as any: from about the age of 16 to 20, I sincerely believed that the answer to the problems of ego and self existed outside myself and that the controlled use of substances like LSD, marijuana and (minimally) alcohol, would lead to the discovery I would need to untangle, unlock and open the doors to self-understanding.

I still, as a matter of fact, have lingering doubts of this improbable possibility. Some inner voice, even today, tells me, “Well, if you weren’t an alcoholic these keys could unlock those doors."

Controlled use of substances. There was the illusion. A thirty year illusion may not keep an audience on the edge of their seats, but it kept me on the edge of reality- the illusion of control.

 

from All Drinking Aside (Rough Draft, Chapter 20)