Denial

There was a time when I was not there, but I did not know it yet. I would drink to forget, forgetting what I did not know. Not yet. I did not know yet. Where was I then, when I was not there?

For years I lived somewhere between myself and the next drink. I would drink to forget what I could not think, halfway to nowhere and another drink. I was grieving and I did not know it. Someone was dying, but I could not feel it, feel my own dying. I could not own it because it owned me.

Denial is so hard to feel, yet, there it is, standing next to you. You: Halfway to nowhere and another drink.

(Sotto): He seems in equal part to have been in denial about how much he hurt people when he was drinking as he is in denial about how much he needs people to help him to remain sober in his recovery

 

from All Drinking Aside (Rough Draft, Chapter 40)