Uncontrollable Spillway

(Sotto): Isn't it ironic? Perhaps not exactly so, but this listing thing here, this listing of memories here, as Jim is doing it, once again, seems very much like him trying to gain some measure of control over his past (over his alcoholism?). Lists seem to do that. Some sense of tidy order made out of disorder. Powerless over his past, he feebly attempts to make a list, to regain some illusion of control, taking back some power now that he's sober. Maybe it's not ironic. Maybe it's just sad.

Here's a list for you, Vatchi: every bar in Atlantic City Jim went to, every liquor store he got thrown out of, every job he got fired from, every apartment he got evicted from, every roommate he ever had. Every spill, from one hospital to the next, one rehab to the next. Spill, detox, spill, detox, spill, spill, spill, spill, spill to the last cascade.

Read that list, Vatchi. Feel that power, Jim.

At least his sobriety is a better illusion than the content of his lists.

Isn't that ironic, Vatchi?


from All Drinking Aside (Rough Draft, Chapter 45)